Dealing with.... drama

I'm glad you're this able to be honest with yourself, about what you want and where you hope to do more growing. That's not an easy thing to do. *gentlesnugsforexkhanibur*

I agree with everything that berner has said. At the risk of being hopelessly pedantic and talking out my rump (which, y'all have probably observed, i far more than i ought *wrysmile*) i would add two additional thoughts:

1._Wording:_ It's malleable. It means different things to different people. If someone says something that bothers you, they may not have meant to. Where possible, it's a good idea to think about why someone might have said something, and assume the best possible intentions.

Example: I've often been hurt by older friends who've used the term "young lady" towards me, without meaning any insult. To me, "young lady" is something an adult says to a small child; to them, it's a term for someone younger than themselves who appears to have 2 x-chromosomes. If i assume that they don't know what those words mean to me and act accordingly, it's much easier for me to sort out the mess.

2._Reproof:_ When we're angry or hurt or even just confused, it's really easy for all of us to say or do things we may regret. It's even easier when we feel that someone we care about is being hurt or insulted. I know i can get really snippy when i feel like someone's hurting one of my friends or family. And that sort of thing is really contagious--i'm a little angry, so i snap at you, which gets you a little angry, so you snap back, then i say some even nastier things, then you make comments about my mama...

But this is a public forum, a place for all of us to share things together. Having a conversation here is in some ways less like talking casually with friends and more like talking casually with megaphones. If we can't be pleasant with one another, we create an atmosphere that isn't welcoming to others who may be lurking about.

My personal (totally unprofessional) rule of thumb is this: I assume that whatever reproof i'm going to offer, someone's going to make it bigger than it is; whatever humor i may intend, someone's not going to get it; and whatever i say, someone is likely to misinterpret it. I try to reread my posts--not only for typos but also for tone (sometimes more than once). I try to write in as much facial expression as i can, so that others can better see how i'm feeling. And if i feel really upset about something, i try to give it at least 12 hours before i reply; that gives me some time to calm down, put everything in perspective, maybe take some time to think about why someone else would say what they did and why it bothers me so much.

Waiting on an emotional post also helps me sort out what i need to say to others from what i really just need to vent. *grimace* Venting is important; everyone needs a chance to talk about how angry they are. But it seems to work better if i vent to a friend, then come back to the person who hurt me with a clearer head. *smallsmile*

Also, when i'm angry, i try to go back to a model of speech a friend once taught me for gentle confrontation: "When you did X, i felt Y. I have a need for Z and i wonder if you could do W in the future." X, what the other person did, should be as concrete and specific as possible--"when you called me a young lady", not "when you talked down to me". Y, what i felt, should be something in the active voice (nothing that ends in "ed"), and nothing that implies too much blame--"i felt angry" or "i felt sad", not "i felt belittled" or "i felt insulted". Z, what i need, should be something fairly straightforward, and, again, should imply as little blame as possible--"i have a need for respect", or "i have a need to feel safe", not "i have a need not to be insulted". And W, what i'm asking for, should be something fairly concrete, so others know what i'm asking for--"if you could try not to call me that", for instance, rather than "if you could try not to be so mean". It seems to help people understand precisely what they did to hurt me and what i want of them, without making them feel too defensive. Also, sometimes mirroring back to someone what i hear from them--"I'm hearing that you heard X and felt Y"--can sometimes help other people when they're similarly upset.

Like Berner, of course, i am far from professional. I don't have a degree in psych or conflict resolution or mediation. That stuff is just what works for me, and none of y'all out there should think for a moment that i'm anything approaching an authority. I'm just a little dragon with a big mouth who talks out her rump a lot. *wrysmile*